sorry

i think i owe you an apology. i'm sorry. this came to me during writcom. don't ask me why. but it did. so yupps. i shouldn't have told you what i did. and i shouldn't have cornerned you like that. it was selfish and wrong of me. i don't know when i will get the opportunity to apologise to you in person, so this is all i can do for know. maybe someday you can forgive me. and i don't know why but i feel like you are angry with me. like as if you blame me for what you are going through now. but ya. i am sorry.

nothing has changed

went back to school today to meet joyce. it was good. met up with some of the teachers who have helped make me, me. thanks. i still miss you. why? i have no idea. but i do. nothing has changed although everything has. in a few more months everything will change for you. and don't get me wrong i am so happy for you. it's just that nothing is going to change for me. absolutely nothing. and that's sad. to have you around again, but to have that distance between us. life's unfair huh. i've thought about it since the day we decided, you decided. i have come to a reasoning that there's a void inside of me that i thought you could fill, but you never did. how could you? when you weren't even really there. i still think about you all the time. i wonder what if this and what if that. then i always come back to this reality. the reality i never wanted to face.it's okay. everything has happened for a reason, which i do not know of just yet but i know i eventually will. nothing has changed about how i feel. why is that? i ask myself everyday...

the end.

k i know i just posted an entry but i just read an email that ruined my night.
do you have any idea what it is like to be me? to live everday of my life with you telling me the things you do. have you any idea how lucky you are that i came out normal and not some pychotic bitch that thinks the world owes her a living. what have you done to me?? you have given me a home that doesn't feel like a home. you have given me a childhood filled with tears, heartache and have traumatised me by leaving for that year. and you wonder why. i love you but i really do not like the things you do at all. all my life, mom. all my life. now i can decide for myself. and i want it to stop, just stop it will you. i don't want to hear it anymore...

and that's that.

so it's been a weird month. stopped working a week ago so that can have a short break before school starts next week. which i am kinda looking forward to by the way. i spent so much money on clothes and shoes and not to mention bags that i am so broke. all my hard earned money, gone. just like that. but anyways. it was money well spent. haha. k so i haven't clubbed so much in one week as i have last week. siao i tell you. siao! k anyways twohill got into s'pore idol. so exciting right!! vote for him k ppl. hmm let's see i sorta know how to use my mac now so that's good. ummm.. oh and on my way to pick up my mac we saw a dead black cat on the highway. it was so disgusting!!! ahhhh!! anyways.... went to watch the magical fundoshi yesterday and wow! it was so not what i expected it to be. i was like ooooo! but ya haha funny la. met leon's new girlfriend. nice girl. she even bought us some yummy chocolates. then while wlking around bugis i saw darren working so i went by to say hi and we chatted for a while. it was good. i didn't think the conversation would have went that well but it did. and vaish came over for a but then she kept on disappearing but ya. anyways. one more week till school so i should clean up my room and get organised. daddy has to set up my printer so i can print my timetable and stuff. oh gosh first day of school is going to be a nightmare. not knowing a single person or where my lectures are is gonna suck! but anywhos. went to city hall today and guess who i saw working at guess, rachel tan. yes people she's still the same old bitch she was in sec school. oh and yesterday i saw rebekah letchumanam at bugis and her bf and he is shorter than he looks in photos and she's uglier in person. like do something with the face girl! k sorry i'm pmsing so the bitchiness is coming out. so i'm going to go back to school to say hi to the teachers once more before school starts then im gonna watch a movie. finally!! haix i am so deprived. anyways i saw the hottest guy today. wow! i think he's indian but a fair one and let me tell you he was so so so hot! i was on the escalator going up and i couldn't take my eyes off of him. wow! but anyways that's that. and i guess love will have to wait since i can't seem to get you out of my mind or my heart! argh! laters.