changes

ok i don't know where to begin. the past week or rather month has been full of ups and downs. and like the downs were really low and the ups were like not so high. sigh. i found out stuff about people i respected and admired and now i don't know how to look at them anymore. how do you continue doing what you do, after you have done something like that to someone you love? i will never comprehend. you shouldn't be in the line you are in, you are in no position to guide people to become a better person or whatever it is you attempt to do. sigh. i don't judge you for it i am sure you have your reasons for doing what you did. reasons i will never hear of or understand and i can respect that. just know that what you did hurt a lot of people who actually do love you. and to think you actually like planned the whole thing right from the beginning is a real shocker. i mean i thought those kind of things only happen in movies, or like not in singapore. but well i was proven wrong. sigh.

premonition: i see this being a very long entry.

okay enough said on that issue. now here's what going on with me. all of us are constantly changing. every second the world is changing. things are happening. our cells are dying and recreating new ones. people are dying and babies are being born. we are changing into a different person, good or bad, you decide. but who is to say you are a bad person or a good person. i was talking to auntie sheila on the phone last night and she is involved in the prison ministry. like she goes to the prisons in texas and talks to the inmates. btw, the state of texas is known for sentencing the most of criminals to death. she recently went to hunsville(is that how you spell it?), which is a jail in texas which is known to be like hard-core. anyway she went into the solitary confinement block and got to see where they stay and stuff. and i mean she has met inmates whom are in there for 8 months cos they wrote a fake prescription or are in there cos they murdered their husband. but when you talk to them they are normal human beings who are sweet looking and down right nice people. something must have driven them to do what they did. that in just one moment of anger or frustration or desperation or greed they acted rashly and now are paying the price for it. and who are we to judge them. we are no one. the lady who murdered her husband may have been abused by him, a rapist may have been sexually abused by someone they trusted when they were a child. all these things do happen to people. it may not be totally their fault, and they have their reasons;i am sure, but who are we to judge them. these people were all once innocent children who have a family, parents, people who love and care about them. people who thought they would never be capable of doing such an act. but you have to understand that we don't know what happen to them to make them that way. ok enough said on that.

but what i wanted to say but got side-tracked was. people change, things change. that's how we grow and stuff. and i am a creature that detests change. i love routine. why? because change is scary. routine is easy, you go about the same thing and it becomes comforting. change takes you outside of your comfort zone. it pushes you to your limits. but change can be good. i mean who doesn't want a pay increment, right? that's change, you're earning more. but no really. so much is changing in my life right now that i just don't know how to deal with it anymore. too much at the same time. it's too overwhelming but i will believe. i believe He has sent me this test because he knows i am capable of handling it. i have faith. i have to admit sometimes i do stray, sometimes i question Him when i know i should just trust.


k next issue is how do you mend a broken heart? okay i am not even sure if my heart is broken. haha i know, tell me about it. the people around me all think that i have fallen in love with him, but how do you fall in love with someone who doesn't love you back? and is that even possible? i know i like him, and a lot at that. i do care about him. but love him? i don't know. maybe it is easier for my friends to see that i am in love. and how do you stop falling in love with someone? is there a potion i can take? cos i would do anything for a drop of that. the hurt i feel is just too painful.

uncertainty is what makes life interesting. not knowing what is going to happen next. if you think about it each of us are living our very own soap opera. see the paragraph before this was a bit weird for me to type out or to say it. cos it just sounds so high school crush, or so trivial, or so you know what i mean right? but ya okay i don't know where i am going with this so yupps. laters.